numb.

this one has definitely been the hardest. i'm handling it better but that doesn't mean i'm not dying on the inside. i'm trying to be more mature and not lock myself in my room for hours. i've learned that it doesn't help. i have so many different emotions running through my mind all the time. worry and the desire to be numb mainly. i worry about mike. i don't want him going off the deep end but i know there's nothing i can do about it. no matter what i still love him. the people who expect me to be happy that this happened are insane and insensitive. maybe it was for the best. maybe i was too young. who cares if it'll get easier with time? it hurts right now. it hurts so bad sometimes that i can't breathe. i've learned to handle it by ignoring it. no love songs. no chick flicks. no romance or love anything. i need to be numb before i can start to work through it. i'm scared of moving home because i'll have more time to just sit around and think. i'm scared of just thinking. i feel like my chest is gonna be ripped open and my heart will fall right out. this is the first time i've really talked about how it feels and it's causing a freakin lump in my throat. it hurts. it's gonna hurt for a long time but i'm doing my best to deal with it. i wish that was enough. life is hard. i wish i was better at handling stuff like this. ): i need to find more things to keep myself busy. fake it till you make it.